heyya...
im back..
lots of things have been happening..
sad. happy. frustrated.proud. name it.
sad.
grandma was really sick 3 weeks back. i spent my nites after work to be at her place. by her side.
we knew it was coming. having problems with her kidneys.
she passed away exactly a week ago. last Sunday.
was not there, but i cant be all selfish.. im glad she went peacefully. Alhamdulillah.
for the first time in my life, i did the 'mandi jenazah', 'semahyang jenazah' and went to Kiara cemetery to be there for the whole upacara pengebumian.
before she died, actually, rite after my arwah Tokbah passed away (8 years ago) she kept asking if she pun dapat kebumi at the same place. i tot - a fat chance, bukan senang kan.
Alhamdulillah, rezeki dia. she even dapat to be buried next to him. She must be really happy. Well, both of them :) Im definitely happy bout it.
The whole fam, redha. and the turned up was unbelivable. ppl who came to give their last respect. penuh satu rumah. kat luar lagi and even kat padang and masjid depan rumah.
Wow.. mesti ramai yg sayang kan. sampai ada yg i tak pernah nampak pun. relatives from over came. Arwah pun rupa dia very peaceful. :) god, i missed her so much.
Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat keatas rohnya.
Ditempatkan dlm golongan yg baik2.
Al- Fatihah.
another sad part was, in times i was loosing one thing that was meant so much to me. and hoping those who are supposed to console me, or at least i dunno... say the right things... was hmm. didnt. gosh, that made it harder. saying things that made me frustrated pun lagi ada la.. u dunno how bad it was for me to stay strong. i felt so alone.
everytime, when im down or hurt.. one thing that can make me feel better is to hurt myself physically.. saiko? well, u r not me, so shut the fuck up. u dunno what it is like. i always think about her when time tu datang...... i always tot.. if she knew, she'd be sad.. worried bout me. so, i didnt.. well, most of the time la.. but now, i felt as if i haf lost one and only reason to keep me strong.
she was my last person, that i know wud love me unconditionaly.. always..
but, apa apa pun.. i thank Allah for giving the chance for her to be at my wedding reception. and was still alive till i finish my studies and start working. at least, i haf made her proud.. proved to her that i am what she believed i can be.
paling sebak, on my nikah nite, she didnt come, coz tak nak sibukkan her. wanted her to get enuff rest for her to be at my reception... when we went to see her.. the 1st thing she did was she gave me a ring.. a ring that my late grand dad gave her... and said " Ni saja yg maktok ada utk kasik kat awak" i almost cried. passed it to me herself with her shaky hands..
whats more, im the only grandkid yg she ever gave anything to for a wedding present.
:(
i didnt cry since the nite i heard the news till the whole ceremony.
only the next day, while driving alone to work.. i started crying in the car.
she was more like a mother to me than anything else.
u know, she wanted me to a teacher. haha
she was serious bout it tho...
to her, teacher is the best profession.
Insyallah. maybe, who knows rite?
i think i better stop writing bout her.. before i start menangis tak henti.
work so far.. doing great..
i feel so happy if im at work..
i love what i do. esp, when i unbelivably get things done.. haha
the accountant resigned.. so my boss asked me to handle the outstanding accounts.. kira Ah Long Bukit Beruntung la nih.. i didnt know i can be good at this.. seriously... like today.. i managed to get outstading payment from a company that has been hutaning since Nov.. with the amount of rm29,000.00!!
i called them up earlier last week.. from a diff branch.. the HQ la.. asked how can i contact the branch yg duk hutang tu to make payments. as the old accountant did not update and even tak tau who to call.. haa boleehh? so my boss, told me to find out.. give me names from the HQ and cari la.. so i did... she passed me to 2 persons tau.. my boss apparently duk pening giler pasal this outstading sbb dah la byk.. pastu lama plak.. pastu tak tau how to get them. ya allah crazy kan? so, my boss reminded me this morning.. "Sha, find out about *** (the company la)" i said ok.. and straight away picked up the fone and called the guy who was supposed to return my call last Friday.. tapi i didnt call him back la that Friday, tak nak too pushy pulak.. he told me that the cheque is out but need to wait for the boss to sign.. adui!! and again said that he will call me back when its done! ok lah...
after half an hour.. he called back.. and said that the cheque is ready and we can pick them up.. haha.. berjaya! so, i relax jer la.. asked for the address and all... and when my boss passed by cubicle.. i called her and said " Shirley, the cheque from that company dah ready to be picked up. All TWENTY NINE THOUSAND RINGGIT. and heres the address" sambil pass can her the add la..
she was all excited... saying "OHH MY GODDDD...!! THANK GOD!! SYUKURR!! Susah giler and lama giler i tunggu they all nih!! DESSSSMMMMMMMMMMOONNDDDD..!!" dan terus lari memanggil husband dier, the big boss.. and to let him know.. hahaha... gosh, that felt so good!
kira till today, i managed to settle ALL in-house training punya outstanding.. yg tinggal a few jer for the public trainings...! many promised to pay by the end of the week and a few yg tak dpt dikesan... isk isk isk... bleh ker nak lari kan? akan ku cari and make them PAY! hahah..
oklaahh.. i need to do some house work.. baju bertimbun utk dilipat.. and tido.. i haf one event kat Holiday Villa in the morning..
tho im not sure if i can sleep.
it hurts to be accused and blamed for something i didnt mean to do and i wish for His blessings to keep me strong to face the day.
and His help to make me a better person each day.
coz i miss the feeling of being happy.
i miss the feeling of being what i really am.
and if possible, Allah, help me to make them understand.
that i do love them.. wud do anything for them. but for once understand what I want..
...just to be happy.
good day at work everyone.
